WTF!RPG

While killing characters may be all because of the lethality of the genre, the GM, or perhaps some situations – it is always horrible too see those characters we spent so much time on, tweaking and otherwise perfecting – and seeing them die.

What’s worse than seeing them die?

Well, seeing them die in the first five minutes of your first game, that is.

This entry is dedicated with our utmost sympathy and also our unadulterated Panda to the shortest lived rpg characters in the community.  So far, the record that I know of is the 5 minute cleric – created by Pointyman for Balthazar’s DnD game.  But Without further ado, I shall introduce them all:

1.  The 5 minute cleric.

Balthazar, one of our infamous killer-GMs, was preparing a DnD game for the group, and Pointyman was invited.  This is supposedly a tactical campaign where pure cheese and munchkinism is rewarded, and roleplaying… rewarding not at all.  As Pointy can attest, he creates highly balanced characters – so this came to him by surprise.  Point spent hours and hours in creating his cleric, pieced together a background story, his motivation, his gear, and ultimately his stats.  This was a well-fleshed character, and after he was content, he entered the game.

Unfortunately, in Balthazar’s game, entering the campaign is quite equal to “spawning.”  In game terms, this campaign is quite similar to Final fantasy Tactics.   So with a quick cut-scene and intro sequence, the battle was joined.

Pointy’s cleric, being a devout follower and a healer, saw a wounded man in the battlefield – and immediately ran to him, calling his god for guidance and power.  With a touch, he healed the man.   But suddenly, out of nowhere – there came charging Levitating Ogre Ninja Monks and chugged at the poor cleric in one strike.  It only took 5 minutes, and 4 minutes of those was dedicated to a cut scene.

En Memoriam, brother.  He was a good man.

2.  The tag team that got slapped

In the same game of Balthazar, the GM realized how utterly fatal his game was – so he decided to allow each player to put in two characters each.  Two PCs guarding each other’s backs had a higher chance of survival, after all.  Phil, one of the more happy go-lucky players decided to create a Fighter duo, one a dwarf and the other a human.  Phil was known for not optimizing his characters, so, a couple of us helped him optimize his sheets – until a time that we thought it would take a bulldozer to take the two down (massive HP)

We were so wrong.

As we were camped at night, and during a time when most of the melee characters have taken off their armor – there came charging through the night Vampire Wizard-Monks, that came a-charging at us with their bare fists.  However, anyone that knows DnD know full well that vampires are able to level drain.  The players were all levell 3 each… meaning we were all effectively 3 hits short of a permanent death.

They charged, and struck with both of their slam attacks, using the monk’s flurries and Wizard Spells for attack bonuses.  Suffice it to say, that those visible were either reduced to pulp or was going to be reduced to pulp.  Phil’s two hp-reliant characters were dead at the first round of combat.  Both were slapped to death.

En Memoriam, brother.  May those slap marks fade in your dwarven halls.

3. Vick and the Mage that tanked

Pointman recently ran a game for the group, test-running the 4E DnD that we recently bought.  The second team, who was composed mainly of munchkinners and crazy players – were given a relatively easy encounter.  A pack of goblin skirmishers, to be exact.

The group was as thus:  an Eldarin Warlock, a Drow Rogue, a Tiefling Paladin, and an Eladrin Wizard.  The Cleric was absent, as there was some real life stuff happening at the time.  Which meant the group was one short of a healer.  As if this wasn’t hard enough, something unexpected happened during the first round of combat.

Vick, a new player to DnD, had created an Eladrin Wizard – Int based for pure damage and tactical advantage.  When encounter reared its ugly head however – he became the only one in the group who saw the enemy before battle was joined.

During the surprise round, the Wizard charged with his dagger. (Yes, we were shocked too.  It was just a Panda moment)

He urged his horse forward and slammed straight into the thick of battle, where 5 goblins awaited him with pointy sticks.  The Wizard being only 13 AC thick, and 20 hp wide became his very downfall.  No Wizard, No Cleric = Dead party.   Thankfully the other munchkins created enough munched characters to save the day.

The Wiz’s motive was noble, as he wanted to garner the attention of the goblins away from the band.   But remember kiddies, never to make your Mage tank.  They just weren’t made to be one.

En Memoriam Bro.  Your wizard was too good too be a… a wizard, i guess.   I think he’ll be welcome in Valhalla.

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4. The Ranger that woke up the Malevolent Red Dragon

This is the very same character posted a few weeks ago, regarding a beautiful ranger who wanted to ride a beautiful dragon…  but…!  Here is the link to those who haven’t read it yet.  Ilona’s Tale.

En Memoriam Lassie!  I’m sure you are riding spirit dragons as we speak.

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5.  Graveshifter, and a lesson in thrash-talking the Technocracy

What happens when the World Wrestling Federation meets White Wolf Mage the Ascension?  Well, to put it simply, its Graveshifter.  One of the odd-Panda concepts of Coldshaft once again – this one, awkwardly placed in a horror-genre.  A very Panda concept.

Graveshifter is a mage character who became a Marauder overnight, those insane mystics who can no longer get a hold on reality.  They change their environment according to their delusions, making them dangerous.  This particular delusion has steel chairs, wrestling rings, commentators, and WWE thrash talks.

Unfortunately, earning the ire of the technocracy alongside thrash-talking Hulk Hogan style gave him a very short life span.   Dead after the first campaign, or so I heard.

Here’s to you Graveshifter, and may you not shift in your grave too much.

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♦♦♦♦

Mr. Nonsense Notes: A note in all seriousness.  This post is in honor of this very tragic day – September 11.  Our hearts all go for the victims of 9/11, and in remembrance of that and the reminder that we are all human and mortal. I cannot convey enough sympathy to those that fell and the families that grieve, so God bless those who were affected by that tragedy.  Know that even insensitive pricks like us, can still become sensitive at such a humbling day as this.

For those who noted, we had to tone down the language in this post, and translated most of the usual baddie language into the word Panda.

Now, it just occurred to me that there are no Character Shrines in this blog… so i decided to put one.  But since a character shrine has to be a Panda thing as well… Let us fold in, and pray for these character’s sheets, and may they sleep well in that RPG heaven in the sky…

These five entries… The five minute cleric, the tag team, the wizard tank, the dragon ranger, and graveshifter… you all definitely deserve the Official Brand of the Panda!